I really don't know how to formulate my thoughts. In October 2024, I wanted to originally leave Weebly and migrate elsewhere. I was ready for it. I had even started to remake pages on the new web host as well. But then...life happened. I need a space where I can really just...talk. Then I remembered - that's right, I have a website that is literally my own personal space.

To say that I had a...turbulent ending to 2024 would be a huge understatement. I don't think there's anything that could've really prepared me for what was going to happen at the end of that year. I had just come back from my first ever solo trip abroad, going to cavoe's osu! event (COE) that year. But the timing was less than fortunate. The event had landed in the week that my mom's birthday was on, which, yeah, she wasn't entirely happy about. But I had already planned everything out - booked the flights, booked the hotel, got my convention ticket. And furthermore, I really didn't want to travel together with my mom to an osu! event.

It's one thing to leave your family member at home but it's another to leave them alone in a country where she doesn't speak the native language or know English that well. I didn't want to deal with that additional headache on top of things. So when it was actually her birthday on July 30th, I called her. Least I could do is say happy birthday, even if I am over 1000 kilometers away. But she was completely drunk. Crying and screaming at me so loud that other people in the area next to me could hear her, even if I didn't have her on loudspeaker. I just remember hanging up on her and not picking the phone up again. My other friends I was traveling with were shocked too, they knew that my mom had a tendency of this but this was the first time they got to witness it first-hand in real life.

After I came back home, my mom started to drink. A lot. And I really mean...a lot. So much so that she tried to hide it by placating me with snacks and drinks when I came back home from work. Some people asked me why I never moved out, I was wondering that too but then remembered that moving out wouldn't be so easy given current wages. I had been window-shopping for an apartment to rent for some time by then but couldn't find anything. So I kinda toughed it out, guess it helped me save some money not having to rent my own place too.

In November, my mom went on her own solo-trip, this time to the UK to visit my brother and his family. And I was left alone for 3 weeks. All I can remember from that time is how...quiet everything was without my mom around. Every day I would come home after work and it'd be...quiet. Usually I'd find her in her room watching some TV shows on her PC but when she was away for 3 weeks, it was...odd how quiet it had gotten. It was during this time that I had actually started to sit down and start making some marginal progress on my website move that I had planned.

Then when she returned from her trip, things were off. The previous year in 2023 when she went to the UK on her own, I remember how absolutely star-struck she was about my brother's kids, especially his newborn one at the time. But this year? She came back...bitter. Apparently having gotten into a fight during the trip with my brother and his wife. I didn't pry too much but I did ask my brother what was up. Why not ask my mom at the time? I did. She didn't want to talk about it. My brother mentioned that my mom kept asking to be let go solo to go to places like London and Manchester, meanwhile my brother was flat broke and also didn't want my mom wandering around the UK while she spoke literally zero English. I understood my brother's POV but my mom saw this as being confined intentionally.

It was a week after this trip that I came home from work and I saw that my mom was fully drunk. Like, fully shit-faced drunk. And she started harassing me. Asking me to clean up her pissed up mattress. Asking me to help her with her computer issues. Asking me to go to the store to get her more booze. Keep in mind it was late in the evening, early December and incredibly cold outside. I was insanely tired after work and didn't want to do anything, my mom started calling me a lazy slob. I...couldn't take it anymore. Lashed out at her. First, a shout-match ensued between the both of us. But then my mom started physically hitting me. With her first, with random objects she found, she genuinely tried to hurt me.

It was at that moment that I had decided enough was enough. I packed as many things as I could carry, grabbed my e-Scooter and went out. It was -6°C outside, and here I was with 4 bags and an e-Scooter, looking for a place to stay. I asked around as many friends as I could if anyone would be willing to let me crash for the weekend. Thankfully one friend said yes.

During that weekend, I heard nothing from my mom. Zilch. Sunday evening I called her from my work phone, since I didn't want her knowing it's me calling. She picked up, that was enough. I went home that evening, found her fully passed out drunk. I just took a shower and went to sleep myself. Early the next morning I started texting around, looking for someplace to move to. Eventually one of my former work colleagues from my previous job told me they had a vacant room in the apartment they were living at, asked if I can bring my cat, asked what the rent price is and by Tuesday, I had started actually moving my stuff to the new apartment. That was when my mom started to actually begin beg, cry & ask me not to leave her. But I've been through that song & dance many times over the last few years, I couldn't take it anymore. So I told her that this is the consequence of her own actions. By Saturday, I had finished moving and started living separately from my mom for the first time...ever.

We barely kept in touch. I flat out told her that if she wants to have any kind of positive relations with me, she needs to start taking her alcoholism problem seriously. I told her that if I catch her drunk one more time, I'd be cutting contact and then gave her suggestions on what to do next, being psychological and psychiatric help. She promised she would, I left it at that.

Fast forward to Christmas 2024. I decided I want to go visit mom for the holidays. That day I remember calling her and getting no reply, which was very odd. I made my way to what was now my former home and I tried unlocking the door. I can't. My mom had locked herself into the apartment with no way of getting in. I start calling her and after like 5 attempts, she picked up. I asked her to let me in, she said okay. 10 minutes later, she unlocked the door and I was able to enter the apartment.

First things I noticed - the place is a complete and total mess. Unwashed dishes. Garbage bags everywhere. And the undeniable smell of straight up urine. And my mom? She looked...disheveled. Messy hair. Wet/greasy clothes. Not even wearing underwear? Yeah, what the fuck. Told her to put some pants on, sat down next to her and I wanted to just talk to her. I abandoned my original plan of inviting her out to the city to explore the Christmas market together because something was clearly up. But my mom, she was not listening. All I could get out of her was a groggy "WHAT?!" before she would proceed to pretend that I don't exist in the room at all, watching Russian TV shows at volumes that would make anyone's ears hurt.

At that point, I have had enough. I straight up told her "This is it. This is what you're choosing, huh? Well, consider yourself gone from my life." and I went to pack whatever loose things I still had left behind. Things like slippers, some old consoles I thought I'd maybe want to play down the line. While I was packing though, my mom actually stood up and angrily opened my room's door and screamed at me to not cut her out of my life. I just repeated to her that I told her this would happen and these are just the consequences of her actions, and she went back to her room.

After I grabbed some extra stuff, I just left the apartment, finished packing what I couldn't fit outside of it because I just could not stand the smell anymore. While I was outside, I actually heard her lock herself into the apartment again. In hindsight, I should've gone back. But at that point I was completely done and didn't want to speak to my mom anymore, ever again.

5 days later, on December 30th, 2024, my brother started calling me in the middle of work. I went to a private call box and picked up, asked him what's up. I thought he was just calling me to wish me well for the upcoming new year but...it was something else.

He had mentioned that he hasn't been able to get in contact with mom since Christmas. He already knew what happened, since I did confide in him moments after it happened on Christmas day, so he knew I was no longer on speaking terms with her. But he pleaded with me to actually go and check on her, just to see if she's okay. He said I don't even have to talk to her, just make sure that she's okay and that's all he needs. I agreed, told my boss the situation and he was instantly understanding of the situation and told me to just take the rest of the day off to sort this mess out.

First I had to go to the new apartment I was renting, since the keys to my old place were in the drawer. Grabbed the keys and then went back immediately to mom's place. Yep, locked herself in again, exactly the same as Christmas. I start knocking on the door - no answer. I knocked for what felt like ages, but no one came to the door. Then I began pretty much spam-calling her. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over...no reply. I was at a loss. I had been standing there for over an hour, banging on the door and calling her to...nothing. I started panicking. I called my brother, told him the situation and he advised I call emergency services. This does not look good at all.

Hands shaking, I dial 112 and explain the situation. Not even 5 minutes later, two firetrucks, an ambulance and a police car show up. The firetruck had an extendable ladder, and thankfully my mom left the balcony completely open, so the firemen just had to get in through the balcony and they were able to get the keys out and unlock the apartment.

I wasn't allowed inside initially. There were safety things they had to check, as well as check up on mom. But that's the thing. After 10 minutes, they let me in with the news...mom's dead. Mom had...died. She was found dead on the floor of the apartment.

Everything just...shattered for me. Words genuinely cannot express how...soul-crushing that was. My mom was...dead. And I felt responsible for her death. I don't know if she died on the 25th, 26th or any other date, or if when we found her was the day that she died. But it also didn't matter. My mom was dead.

2025 was a hellish year for me. The year started off with mom's funeral. Which was entirely funded by my friends & my mom's friends donating to the funeral. But to think I'd start the year with...burying my mom...was...well, I can't put it into words.

The following months were mentally some of the hardest I've had to endure. I was incredibly desperate for any kind of companionship from...anyone. I have no family left in the country that I live in. I have no father, no grandparents, no cousins, nothing. I have nothing, I have no one. I genuinely felt alone and isolated. Like the universe taking my mom away from me being a gigantic middle finger. Me getting what I deserved. That's what I believed too.

I've never felt more alone in my life during this time period. It eventually culminated into me having yet another attempt on my life. For those not in the know, my birthday is February 24th. What did I decide to do on February 23rd, 2025 - one day before my 26th birthday? I decided that I would be committing suicide because I had also lost my online best friend at the time. One of the people I went on the trip to COE 2024 with. Someone I had known since 2016. I couldn't bare it anymore. We had gotten into a fight over Counter-Strike 2 and they ended up removing me everywhere - Discord, Steam, osu! - anywhere and everywhere we talked.

That was genuinely the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That was it. I had lost everything. I don't HAVE anything else to lose anymore. I don't have any family, and now it seems like I don't have any friends left either. The ones that were left just felt...fake. They didn't feel like actual friends whatsoever. So I decided - fuck it. My life isn't worth anything, might as well just end it.

Thankfully, I am an idiot and publicly posted about this to my private Instagram filled with IRL people who know exactly where I live. But in my head, none of them gave a single shit what would happen to me, so the least I could tell them is that I'm going to be gone for good and not be in anyone's hair anymore. That ended up saving my life as several of my IRL friends immediately called the police. Before I had the chance to do anything to myself, not 20 minutes later - police were knocking at my door, alongside one of my IRL friends who saw the Instagram posts.

The police started interrogating me on what the hell was I trying to do to myself. I told them, without bullshitting them, that I was just insanely depressed and suicidal after feeling like I've been left completely alone. I lost my family. My friends felt fake, all of that. After the interrogation, they called medics over and I told the same thing to them. At that point, they told me to pack some stuff, grab my passport and put me into an ambulance. I was driven to the psych ward. I was hospitalized.

But you know what? That hospital stay genuinely wasn't bad...at all. There, I met people who were very similar to me. Down on their luck. People who understood me right off the gate. I didn't have to tell them anything in any kind of roundabout way or anything to avoid unwanted "advice" like "oh life gets better everyone has these moments" type of things. No, these people got me instantly. And they spoke my language, if you get what that means. And that hospital stay genuinely helped me mentally get back on my feet because I realized that people who do understand me exist out there. I kept in touch with some of them after being released from the hospital but, as these things go, we all basically went our separate ways after I or they were discharged. I haven't really heard much from them.

It was at this point that I felt like things started looking up. I wasn't doing great. My hospital stay really highlighted and emphasized how fake everyone around me felt. Going from a place where people embraced and encouraged me to be...me back to a place where I had to fake being nice was...exhausting. But for the first time in my life, I felt as though I finally had people wanting to help me. I was signed up for monthly psychiatrist checks and slowly but surely started going to therapy again. I hadn't done that since 2022. My psychiatrist eventually signed me up for a 6-week group therapy program at the clinic I go to. I was very hesitant about accepting it at first (it was offered to me back in March when I was initially discharged from the hospital) but ended up accepting it.

In June 2025, I officially started going to the group therapy program. I was...terrified. I didn't know what to expect. What kind of people I would meet. Or even if I'd be allowed to leave. I was a genuine fish out of water because what the hell am I even doing here? I remember fumbling around the first few weeks, not knowing what to do or what to expect.

But as the therapy program went on, I started feeling braver in the sense that I started to want to talk to the other people going there, finding out their reasons for being where they were then. That is a choice I do not regret, as it led me to establishing some friendships with people. People that I still talk to even now and hang out with from time to time too. One of my fondest memories I made there was essentially making my own little "group" - me and 3 other people who had similar interests and really just opening up about our struggles to each other. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I really might not be alone in this journey after all. Yeah, we're came from different walks of life and experienced different things throughout time but at the end of the day, we all are seeking the same end result - to get better, to become mentally stronger.

I guess the one thing that sucked when therapy was over is that from the 4 of us, only 2 remained. The other 2 went their separate ways and I haven't heard much back from them. All I can say is that I hope they're doing okay. I would reach out but at the same time, I've tried reaching out to one of them for about 2 months straight and heard nothing back. I guess I assume they want their space and want their peace, so I stopped prying. Eventually ended up removing them.

The one thing that still partly stings to me is the fact that one of those people I met promised me they'd be there for me when I went to visit my mom's grave on her birthday and was stood up by them on the day we were meant to go together. I still have a video of how rainy and unprepared I was. Would've been nice to have a helping hand but oh well. No hard feelings, I suppose.

I still sparsely keep contact with some of the other people from there too. Not as frequent as the last remaining friend from our little group, but often enough to remind me that - yeah, we're friends and we're interested in hearing how each of us is doing after not seeing each other for god knows how long.

August 2025 rolls around and something...unexpected happens, to say the least. That being the fact that, for the first time since 2019, I had gotten myself a girlfriend. And this time - no strings attached. None of that weird "cheating" thing that happened back then, no. Someone actually confessed to me and I just accepted it. Feels like something I wanted for a long time to happen too. Albeit I wasn't entirely sure on the relationship from the get-go but I felt like it was worth a shot at least, just to see how compatible we would be.

The relationship didn't end up lasting that long. We were meant to go to the zoo but on the day of the trip I woke up sick and with a fever. The trip ended up cancelled. We did go to a Halloween event together and spent the New Year together.

In December 2025, I returned back to the therapy program again for my second round. That's something my doctor had strongly urged me to do back in Summer, it's just that I myself refused it due to really wanting to wrap up some loose ends from work before committing to something like that for another 6 weeks. But December was...well, a month of pain. I had started waking up with apathy every single day. Didn't even want to go to therapy. I just wanted to sleep away the entire month. I didn't care.

This second time round, the therapy program also wasn't that effective, which my doctor noticed too. I think it loses its "surprise" factor the more you go to it. Going through it a second time, I began understanding why some of the people going there say that the therapy program is ineffective. When I was there the very first time, it felt refreshing - a way to slow down, disconnect yourself from the hustle & bustle and really just focus on the most important thing - yourself. Because it feels like you're just re-doing the same things that you've already done previously. And I found myself feeling incredibly apathetic. It started feeling like routine instead of something I need.

I still ended up meeting great new people there. Some of which genuinely sacrificed a lot of themselves for me. And the story repeats - most of the people I met there I no longer talk to. We went our separate ways, with life taking us in different directions. But I still talk to at least one person from there, so it's nice something still came out of it.

Celebrating the New Year with one of the people from the therapy program & their partner, as well as me being with my at-the-time partner too was a good way to start the new year too.

Unfortunately though, 2026 so far has not had the best start. While it started on a high note with the New Years' celebration, things quickly tapered off and things went off the rails again.

First - I got sick within the first 2 weeks of 2026. Wasn't anything super serious, caught a flu. But that also meant that I had to leave the therapy program early, not quite completing the full 6 weeks as intended. At least I got sick on the very final week of it?

Second - my job. My job was in jeopardy because I had heard that my workplace isn't exactly happy over the fact I "skipped" 2.5 months of work due to needing to be in therapy, even if everything was marked appropriately by my doctor and they've been informed beforehand. But apparently there were considerations of me being fired from my job, which immediately sent me into a panic. Thankfully, as of now, I haven't been fired and haven't heard anything regarding this in a while.

Third - relationship issues. It started with me absolutely losing my mind and feeling like shit over the fact that my partner is incredibly into politics. And me? I'm apolitical. I genuinely do not keep up or follow anything political, let alone read world news. And the reason is very simple - it's horrible. It makes me hate people & hate the world, which then bleeds over into me hating...myself. It's a perpetual loop of misery. So I kind of lashed out at her for talking about politics all the time or showing me political content. I hated it. Eventually talked things out with her and just asked her to no longer talk about politics together. She agreed.

However, a few weeks after that and 1 day before Valentine's Day, I got a pretty gut-wrenching message from my now-ex. She wanted to break up, realized that we don't really work out as a couple.

Now here's the thing - I didn't mind breaking up. Being honest, I saw the writing on the wall with our relationship for a while by then. I wanted to break up too, I was just waiting for a good time to actually talk about breaking up with her. My whole idea was that we spend Valentine's Day together, celebrate my birthday together (as we pretty much started dating very shortly after her birthday back in August), and then some time after that - I'd break up. That way, I'd see it as symbolic - make some final good memories together and then go our separate ways.

But at the same time, I agree with my close friends that it's better to break up early and not drag it on arbitrarily if things aren't working out. At the end of the day, we both acknowledge that we don't work as partners and we really shouldn't be dating. Yet, my heart still tells me that the timing stings - right before Valentine's Day and right before my birthday...great.

All in all, I do wish my now ex partner the very best on her future endeavors. She's a really talented artist & writer and hope that she sees what the rest of us do in her. For the record after breaking up she did offer to remain as friends but I refused. I think it would be too socially awkward and emotionally difficult for both of us to handle going back to being "just friends" after dating for 6 months.

My birthday ended up being very...lowkey this year. At least I didn't end up in a mental hospital this time. Wasn't anything spectacular, two of my close friends showed up with snacks & cake for me, some online friends got me some additional Steam games, those being Deep Rock Galactic and Sonic Superstars, and other trinkets. And, of course, I got my fair share of happy birthday messages from all sorts of people, including those who I haven't talked to in a while. <3

Right now, I'm feeling very internally conflicted. I've had a few days where I think I had manic episodes, not really knowing how to handle myself at the moment. It's part of the reason I decided to write all of this down, a skill I learned in therapy is that giving yourself a space like this to express yourself is one of the best ways you can help yourself during difficult times.

I'm just hoping things eventually start to get better. Things aren't necessarily bad for me right now but I can just feel like there's something missing. I just don't know what. So my goal is to explore as many avenues as I can to hopefully figure that out.

Maybe start going to the gym? Start journaling again? Try out a different diet? Pick up a sketchbook and start drawing again? Hell, maybe even change careers? Who really knows what the future has in store for me.

If you read all of this to the end - thank you. It means more to me than mere words can describe.

Hopefully my next post on the blog won't be as depressing as this. I don't intend to anyway. I wanna talk about something more fun...something related to Windows XP, maybe. We'll see.

Thank you. I mean it.

- huu