This post won't really be as structured as my other posts that I've written over the time that this website has been up. Frankly, I just kinda want to vent for a while.
I've been on the internet, in some shape or form, since late 2010, early 2011. I was 11-12 years old when I first started using the internet and started exploring things like YouTube & various forums. Particularly, in my early days, I remember spending a lot of time on places like MM2X and various Sonic the Hedgehog forums, among other things that I really don't want to mention.
The internet was always a rather hostile place for the most part but it was always the type of thing that always felt...manageable? I guess? But in the last few years, particularly I wanna say after all the COVID-19 stuff started happening & everyone was forced into lockdown, I've genuinely just seen the entire internet...shift. Morph into something different. Something that makes it very draining to be on these days.
What used to be an escape from my bleak reality in my teenage years has turned into the thing I dread the most these days using. There's just so many things happening all at once that it just becomes...too much at a certain point to really handle.
These days, it genuinely feels like every other week that certain users on the internet try to go after someone to make a "big new hit piece on", cancel someone, expose them for this & that and it's all just...exhausting. Being on the internet, especially in 2024, just feels very exhausting. Even I wasn't free from the turmoil. In early 2020 - I got doxxed. In the middle of this year, I was relentlessly harassed by a particular user who had the doxx information on Mastodon. It got so bad that the moderators of the Mastodon server that I'm on had to personally issue me an apology that this stuff was even happening to me.
And now, seeing my YouTube feed just be constantly filled with things like "exposing influencer A you've never heard of for being this & that", "exposing influencer B who you've watched for years for doing this & that", things like that floating around literally everywhere to the point that it's inescapable just genuinely wants me to do nothing else but to hide away. Leave everything. I don't want to talk to people online anymore. I don't want to do anything online anymore.
There's a reason why, in late 2022, I started slowly drifting away from social media. Starting with my intentional ban from Twitter. Yes, to those who don't know yet, I intentionally banned myself from Twitter. And I made it so that I can never be unbanned from there & I genuinely, truthfully say that I never want to return.
There's a reason why, despite having an Instagram account, I made it private. My Instagram is just for my friends. So is my Steam profile. There's a reason why I'm so stingy & not willing to trust people anymore on any platform unless I already know them.
I want to disappear from the internet eventually. I think, over time, I'm just slowly going to start deleting a bunch of my social media accounts, emails, etc., to slowly start minimizing my footprint on the internet. This might even include my YouTube videos - things I've had public since 2011.
Obviously there are things I'm probably never going to delete. You know, things like my osu! profile or my Steam account. osu! because I do enjoy the game, want to play it & don't want to effectively permanently ban myself from online play. Steam because I've invested so much time & money into it that getting rid of it would feel like burning thousands of euros for no good reason.
But things like...Mastodon? Yeah, that can go. My Reddit account? Don't need it. Hell, even this website? Well, okay, maybe not that drastic, but I guess anything related to me specifically - yeah, all of that crap can go.
At some point, I just want to become a background character again. There is an audience of those who say that I already am one and that no one really gives a shit about what I do or what I say, but to them I say - you're the one trying to tell me that, which effectively proves the opposite - you're here because you do care, whether you admit it or not. Whether anyone pays attention to what I do these days - I want that to no longer matter.
I just want to vanish into the night, be forgotten by everyone and disappear from the public spotlight. I just want to feel like a human again. I want to stop feeling like a fucking robot made of flesh, mindlessly consuming content. I want to feel like my life has meaning beyond this virtual box that I've been a part of for more than half of my damn life now.
One day, I'll accomplish my goals. Until then, I'll take small steps toward it to make sure that I do.
Thanks for reading if you see this.
- huu
I've been on the internet, in some shape or form, since late 2010, early 2011. I was 11-12 years old when I first started using the internet and started exploring things like YouTube & various forums. Particularly, in my early days, I remember spending a lot of time on places like MM2X and various Sonic the Hedgehog forums, among other things that I really don't want to mention.
The internet was always a rather hostile place for the most part but it was always the type of thing that always felt...manageable? I guess? But in the last few years, particularly I wanna say after all the COVID-19 stuff started happening & everyone was forced into lockdown, I've genuinely just seen the entire internet...shift. Morph into something different. Something that makes it very draining to be on these days.
What used to be an escape from my bleak reality in my teenage years has turned into the thing I dread the most these days using. There's just so many things happening all at once that it just becomes...too much at a certain point to really handle.
These days, it genuinely feels like every other week that certain users on the internet try to go after someone to make a "big new hit piece on", cancel someone, expose them for this & that and it's all just...exhausting. Being on the internet, especially in 2024, just feels very exhausting. Even I wasn't free from the turmoil. In early 2020 - I got doxxed. In the middle of this year, I was relentlessly harassed by a particular user who had the doxx information on Mastodon. It got so bad that the moderators of the Mastodon server that I'm on had to personally issue me an apology that this stuff was even happening to me.
And now, seeing my YouTube feed just be constantly filled with things like "exposing influencer A you've never heard of for being this & that", "exposing influencer B who you've watched for years for doing this & that", things like that floating around literally everywhere to the point that it's inescapable just genuinely wants me to do nothing else but to hide away. Leave everything. I don't want to talk to people online anymore. I don't want to do anything online anymore.
There's a reason why, in late 2022, I started slowly drifting away from social media. Starting with my intentional ban from Twitter. Yes, to those who don't know yet, I intentionally banned myself from Twitter. And I made it so that I can never be unbanned from there & I genuinely, truthfully say that I never want to return.
There's a reason why, despite having an Instagram account, I made it private. My Instagram is just for my friends. So is my Steam profile. There's a reason why I'm so stingy & not willing to trust people anymore on any platform unless I already know them.
I want to disappear from the internet eventually. I think, over time, I'm just slowly going to start deleting a bunch of my social media accounts, emails, etc., to slowly start minimizing my footprint on the internet. This might even include my YouTube videos - things I've had public since 2011.
Obviously there are things I'm probably never going to delete. You know, things like my osu! profile or my Steam account. osu! because I do enjoy the game, want to play it & don't want to effectively permanently ban myself from online play. Steam because I've invested so much time & money into it that getting rid of it would feel like burning thousands of euros for no good reason.
But things like...Mastodon? Yeah, that can go. My Reddit account? Don't need it. Hell, even this website? Well, okay, maybe not that drastic, but I guess anything related to me specifically - yeah, all of that crap can go.
At some point, I just want to become a background character again. There is an audience of those who say that I already am one and that no one really gives a shit about what I do or what I say, but to them I say - you're the one trying to tell me that, which effectively proves the opposite - you're here because you do care, whether you admit it or not. Whether anyone pays attention to what I do these days - I want that to no longer matter.
I just want to vanish into the night, be forgotten by everyone and disappear from the public spotlight. I just want to feel like a human again. I want to stop feeling like a fucking robot made of flesh, mindlessly consuming content. I want to feel like my life has meaning beyond this virtual box that I've been a part of for more than half of my damn life now.
One day, I'll accomplish my goals. Until then, I'll take small steps toward it to make sure that I do.
Thanks for reading if you see this.
- huu
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